不了解我的人,说我沉默,
了解我的人,说我能“侃“,
十分了解我的人,说我太沉默.
我说,我时而沉默时而能“侃“.
我不想说话的时候,
每个字从我嘴里吐出都是那么的艰难,
想说话的时候,
想收都收不住.
不想说话的时候,
是我感觉没必要说.
想说话的时候,
是因为我觉得这世界太无聊,想用说话来平淡寂寞.
全文在這裡
ponderings of a pococurante read more »
Archives for the month of: June, 2006
網上看到的。。。
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This is from the Toronto Star:
Sri Lanka: Troops accused of firing on villagers
Sri Lankan troops in boats and helicopters battled Tamil rebels yesterday, and witnesses accused government forces of opening fire in a fishing village, killing five people — one inside a church — and wounding dozens. The surging violence heightened fears the island nation was moving toward a return to all-out civil war. The past several days have seen the worst violence since a 2002 ceasefire between the government and the Tamil Tigers, who control much of Sri Lanka’s north and east. Yesterday’s bloodshed started when rebels attacked a navy base in the northwestern fishing village of Pesalai, triggering battles that forced about 200 ethnic Tamils to seek refuge in a Roman Catholic church. Several witnesses said Sri Lankan forces fired indiscriminately in the church and around the village. The military denied targeting civilians and blamed the rebels.
Afghanistan: Coalition forces kill 45 insurgents
Afghan and coalition troops pushed ahead with their largest offensive since 2001, killing about 45 suspected insurgents during attacks on Taliban camps in southern Afghanistan, military officials said yesterday. About 85 suspected militants have died this past week as some 10,000 U.S.-led troops spread out over four southern provinces as part of Operation Mountain Thrust, a counter-insurgency blitz aimed at quelling a Taliban resurgence.
Slovakia: Leftist party headed to election victory
A leftist party that tapped public discontent over eight years of economic austerity won yesterday’s elections in Slovakia, an exit poll indicated, throwing into doubt the Central European country’s quest to adopt the euro currency in 2009. Projected support for Robert Fico’s opposition Smer-Socialist Democratic party was not decisive enough to give it a majority. But it was a rebuke to the conservative government of Prime Minister Mikulas Dzurinda, whose belt-tightening brought the country into the European Union, yet slashed health care and social benefits.
All this history is happening. Yet my life is small, is just this–going to restaurants, spending time with friends, petting a cat sitting in my lap, blogging, watching films. I can’t say that there is anything inherently wrong with this life, and I don’t suppose that i want to live the life of those described in these news events — and yet between these two extremes there must be something else and something better. I see people doing their thing here –being restaurant columnists and what not–and they get kudos for that kind of thing here. People enjoy their lifestyles in Shanghai –they enjoy being able to go to pool parties and seeing some booty being shaken on the dance floor while they sip their champagnes from the flutes with one hand and flick their zhongnanhai cigarettes with the other. I’m not sure what’s become of me, and if i’ve somehow lost what i was or what i should be, but i know that there is something not right about what I am here. And i think that most everyone else thinks there is no discrepancy between who they are and what they aspire to be–or rather, what they aspire to be is just a bigger, better, richer version of what they are now. Really, that shouldn’t surprise or dismay me (or anyone else) since what i am asking of me, implicitly, is that i live like a philosopher or an artist, that is, an inquest into the soul and the human condition as what is important. Somehow i think that if i brought my mind into the right place I could just join the ranks of the happy and successful here but in the back of my mind, or rather in the forefront of my mind, unbeknownst to the people around me, would be nagging doubts about if i had completely lost my soul, and if I had completely forgone the necessity of bettering myself in that way. I would lose respect for myself that way–and i don’t think that the money would be the magical balm that everyone thinks it is in that case.
And it ain’t looking good — there was a recent shooting incident that left five teenagers dead:
“Lord, this is like the sixth person killed around here in the last month,” said Monique Jackson, 27, a housekeeper who lives near the crime scene. “It’s getting bad now.”Crime, including homicide, has been creeping back after Katrina emptied the city of its residents when it hit on Aug. 29, flooding 80 percent of New Orleans.
God, this world we live in.
[tags]American, New Orleans, shooting, murder, teens, violence, news [/tags]
I met this guy today at Bubba’s. Strangely enough, he went to Stanford and got his teaching credential there, graduating in 2004–the year that i started, in the fall. It was nice to talk to him, but unfortunately this is his last day in Shanghai — going to DC, then Europe, and then to Rio. He teaches IB classes at American schools, a decent paying gig from what I’ve heard. Teaches economics and world history, both interesting subjects. You meets all kinds of folks in Shanghai, crossing paths with people that you might have met somewhere else (grad school) or others who you might never meet in a million years were it not for the fact that everyone is in this city. It’s a good reason to like life in this city.
From the backseat of a Qiang Sheng taxi in Shanghai, China. Sat. June 17, 2006.
The pool party at the PUrple mountain hotel in Pudong was kind of well–i got in for free, so i guess i shouldn’t complain but i will. Just not my scene, though that’s probably because i can’t dance and look terrible with my shirt off. When i was watching everyone dance–whether they were in the pool dancing, or by the lawn chairs dancing, or in the dancing section–i felt so envious of them. I bet that for them, at least in those moments, life must have seemed really light and simple; it wsa just about having fun in that moment, dancing to music, being young, doing the things and talking about the things that young people do. And somehow for me, things are so fraught things are so much more complicated, and even though i know that i;m capable of being like them, i don’t think ireally can anymore–because i really can’t go on more than ten minutes before i start remembering all the morbid thoughts that normally flow through my mind. I feel condemned, in some strange way–not to be able to care about the same things as others, not to be able to joyfully spend time in the same way as others, always, always, thinking about something, always having the sword hanging over my head.
Shuffle was a bit more of my scene–it was THe living Thin’s last show, and a bit bittersweet for the guys. I think one or several of them are leaving, going back to the US. Afterwards hung out with Brad, Aric, a British guy named Matt (writes for That’s) and Evans, the critic that hangs out and works for gigshanghai.com. It was fun, we were loitering outside the Kedi convenience store; Matt was interviewing Brad and Aric, and two random Finnish girls came up and started to talking to us. One of them got a bit friendly with Aric, and i think he went with them to some party. It was nice listening to them get so wound up about music and the local scene here, though i think that it made me realize that those aren’t the types of things that I really like to talk about. I was probably better off talking to Matt about films. I think i would be even better off talking about philosophy or something that i could really get into. That’s what little episodes like thisremind of –that i am still trying tofind what I am , trying tobe OK with what I am (this sounds very stuart smalley right now, I know), trying to realize that it really is different strokes for different folks. Somehow Ithink i will have to find the peopel that I can really converse with, the peopel that I can hang out with–and at that point won’t i have something to photograph too?
Talking to that British photographer made me realize–how to explain this? When she said taht she was into making pictures about migrant workers, it kind of turned me off–part of me is not and never will be completely satisfied with the way in which photography communicates information and feeling about the human condition. We’re just mostly on the outside documenting certain episodes in human life. And tehre is so much in the inner worlds, in our inner worlds that I reallycan’t do justice to in my photography. There are times when I get tired of making pcitures because i feel they ar etoo far from my heart. All this liberalguilt and conscience, all these ideals–why bother making pictures about pverty or migrant workers all the time–why not use what tie you have on earth to really uncover the world that you are organically part of?
From the CPJ:
New York, June 16, 2006—Zhao Yan, a researcher for the Beijing bureau of The New York Times, was tried today in closed proceedings on charges of leaking state secrets and fraud, 22 months after he was first detained in Shanghai. The Committee to Protect Journalists called for an end to his unjust imprisonment.
No verdict was issued after the eight-hour hearing, during which no witnesses were called, Agence France-Presse said. Zhao testified in his own defense, Reuters reported.
From Reuters:
SHANGHAI (Reuters) – Yao Defen, believed to be the world’s tallest woman, has begun treatment in a Shanghai hospital to rid her of a brain tumor at the root of her gigantism.
Yao, from a poor farming family in eastern China’s Anhui province, measures 2.36 meters (7.75 ft), Chinese doctors say. That is 5 cm (2 inches) more than Sandy Allen of the United States, who is currently listed by Guinness World Records as the world’s tallest woman.
Yao suffers from a large tumor in the pituitary gland of her brain, which has stimulated her body to release excessive amounts of growth hormone and made her bones weak, doctors say.
A team of TV producers (that are working on a documentary about Yao) and Yao’s doctors in Shanghai are trying to raise money for the operation, physiotherapy, and general financial assistance. Please check out their website for more information and to donate via Paypal or bank transfer.
Their website has information that we didn’t see in the news report — critical information, at that. Speaking of the tumor that causes her abnormal growth spurts and which has caused her health to deteriorate, the website says:
But now six years later it has grown back and is pressing on her optic nerve. She could go blind in the next few months and die with in a year without complicated surgery.
If the website numbers are correct, they have $355, and they need about $5000 (US dollars, we assume) total. Shanghaiist urges you strongly to give what you can.
Photo from www.yaodefenappeal.org
[tags]China, Yao Defen, tallest woman, operation, medicine, Shanghai, agromegaly[/tags]
This is just an excerpt:
To stop U.S. militarism, the U.S. must vastly reduce its military expenditures, 50% in five years and further down from there on. It must use those savings to combat poverty, hunger, sickness and unemployment at home and abroad.
The U.S. must seek friends by word and deed, rather than make enemies. The harm George Bush has done to the way the rest of the world sees our country will take a generation to overcome, after we change our warlike ways.
But the only way to convince the world that We the People do not approve of the conduct of George W. Bush is to impeach him. Otherwise we can only be seen as approving of his acts, or as powerless to prevent them.
And the only way we can deter the next, and future Presidents, from seeking war rather than peace is to impeach George W. Bush and his key advisors now. Only then will political leadership know the American people will not accept more war.
Last week ImpeachBush.org placed an ad calling for the impeachment of George W. Bush on the second page of the internationally read newspaper, USA Today. The impeachment movement has placed similar ads in the Boston Globe, the New York Times, and the San Francisco Chronicle. The time to impeach is now. This movement has grown with your continuing support. Please make a donation to the campaign today so that the movement will grow in the coming months. Click here.
Ramsey Clark
www.impeachbush.org
Fight the power.
[tags]bush, iraq, war, impeach, impeachment, Ramsey Clark, politics, US [/tags]
got bitched out by mother today–who told me that my father hasn’t gotten a good night’s sleep in days trying to help me edit and find certain material to get this thesis of mine in shape.
got bitched out by my professors, who are not happy with the fact that they had to so much remedial editing work in terms of both grammar and scholarly style–references, bibiographies, etc.
and finally got bitched out by someone else for not being active enough in writing articles for them.
Let’s face it, compliments do not and ought not come for free in this world. Given my druthers i would earn every compliment that i receive based on something that I did, and not because of who I am or because someone, for whatever reason, feels obligated to give me those compliments. On other hand, getting bitched and more importantly, disappointing people blows, and of course, it hurts my own self-image. I feel like a complete loser, and it’s worse than the feelings of being a loser that plagued me incessantly last time–which is about, say, oh, three days ago?
At some point i know i will grow up, at some point i will know how to act responsibly and do things for myself–and not because i will have become so adept or proficient at things, but simply because I am going to be able to work in a non-neurotic fashion–which means knowing what to expect of myself, both in terms of work habits and discipline as well as in the content and quality of that work. I will know not to be perfectionistic, and i will know better than to hope that something boring and tedious is going to miraculously one day turn into something stimulating and meaningful. I know that right now I would like to hear praise from someone, just to better the foul mood that i’m in, and yet i know that it not wishful thinking that will get those compliments but rather doing what i was supposed to be doing in the first place that will get me the compliments that are worth having.