there is an insidious loneliness
that razes
things
it goes about its business
with a grin
like someone that knows
that everything can be swept–perfectly–under the carpet.
i cannot stay at gigs too long.
because their creativity unnerves me
makes me wonder where mine goes .
Surely no need for insecurity–we all have our own voices.
we all speak to different needs.
we all cater to different markets.
I long to be able to sweat under the irrationality of the spotlight.
There are some people that can plummet headlong into the days
whereas those like me
are always trying to slam on the brakes.
I imagine a life like that. I imagine a mode of life like that.
And after all these years, after the whole of my adult life so far.
I might be willing, after all, to admit that it was a mistake.
It’s not amazing that illusions exist, when reality is so patently obvious.
What is amazing is how far illusions can take you.
You can give up the love of the best of women
for that illusion.
Even as the antinomies take you to your grave
you believe in that illusion. You maximize.
You console yourself. You cajole yourself.
There is, after all, something better. Someone better.
Just wait and see. There is no greater faith, not even the faith
in God.
