i suppose you just need a respite, some …

i suppose you just need a respite, some kind of reprieve from this feeling of anxiety: and what’s sad is that this undercurrent we take as normal. I hardly even notice it, but i actually am tense most of the time. I am always pulsating with ideas or impulses and worried about things that arent’ done or can’t be done or seem impossibly difficult. And the unremitting loneliness comes from the fact that the more you lock yourself up like that the farther you are away from people–because there is just no way they can bore a hole through these barriers. They don’t have the time or the wherewithal. So one must learn how to make life “thin” again–like a chrysalis of sorts. There has to be a kind of dying so that one can be reborn. Purified. Sound christian? well, it kinda is even though I am a nonbeliever and an atheist at that. However, we dont need god to enter this equation–what would probably be better suited for this situation is what they call mindfulness based therapy, and even minus that, just mindfulness in general. Because any other strategy is going to amount to some kind of escapism, and hence is no real strategy at all. It’s just enticing because it’s easy, and that’s what everyone else does, and therefore becomes a path of least resistance. Swiping your credit card and paying money for a flight outta here seems to involve some kind of resistance–becuase i hate spending money–but that’s not real resistance. Real resistance would be undergoing a process akin to what saint john of the cross describes in “dark night of the soul”–and there’s no way in hell that i could do that, even if i wanted to, even if sounds intriguing, even if there is the slight promise of redemption. To go back to a buddhist strain–one might say that those who seek and yearn for enlightenment are never going to find it . Not that way. Lacking business-wu wei-is the only way forward.