not sure what I expected out of life, but i think there was some kind of core that persisted even as everything else changed. And what was that core? Some kind of feeling–some kind of feeling that life was meaningful, that things were on the movie, that I was working towards something, towards a goal that was both meaningful for me and somehow beneficial to at least someone, somewhere among the rest of humanity. I was never good at just taking in the small pleasures–at least not without the greater framework of meaning intact. So long as I knew what life was about I could occasionally stop to smell the roses…but now I face a more difficult challenge: when life seems like an absurd repetition of daily rituals, how to find meaning above and beyond that. I think one really does need a spiritual practice–because it’s possible to derive meaning and stimulation from the secular world, from our social activities–but they are, as we know, notoriously unreliable in this regard. So one must delve deeper, if one is looking for an anchor.
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The daily rituals, the simple pleasures, they accumulate into a greater pattern that is that larger “One’s Life”. There are people who pick an end and then police themselves towards it – I do not think you are able to become that anal. Ever. There are people who happily meander and enjoy each step without contemplating the destination – you live like that, but don’t actually enjoy it, which defeats the entire purpose. I live a compromise, intent on destination but allowing surprise wanders and willing to edit trajectories accordingly; that requires though both an optimism and a fundamental sense of discipline, traits I’m not sure you share.
Generally I’m against subscribing to the “imaginary friends”, but maybe that’s the psychological crutch you require.
No one has it all figured out, the ones who think they do are fooling themselves. It’s all fumbling in the dark, peace is found I believe in admitting that and learning to forgive yourself for your innate human inadequacies.